Zombies Invade Austin - National Guard Struggles to Stop Them
By Editor | October 30, 2007
Austin, TX — The living dead have invaded downtown Austin, feasting on brains and causing widespread panic throughout the city. National Guard troops report that the zombies are only 15% contained.
Scientists are scrambling to determine the cause of a zombie outbreak in parts of Austin, Texas. While the facts are not all in, some experts believe the onset of Halloween has somehow woken the dead, who now roam the streets of Austin. Others cite a particular alignment of planets in conjunction with the current phase of the moon.
Whatever the cause, one thing current is certain. The living dead now have a firm foothold in downtown Austin and surrounding areas.
“We thought it was a joke at first,” said Harlan Bidwell, an Austin native who was window shopping along Congress Avenue when the invasion began. “These weirdoes starting running out of alleyways and what not, grabbing at people and shouting about ‘brains … brains.’ We thought they was a bunch of college kids playing games, until one of ‘em starting chewing on a guy’s arm. We started running and we didn’t look back.”
Image: Zombies clear a police barricade while National Guard troops move to defend the capital. Enlarge photo
National Guard troops moved into the area this afternoon when it became clear the zombies were not pranksters in costumers, but the actual living dead. As of this story posting, officials admit that the zombies are only 15% contained.
“We’ve had to adjust our assault techniques,” said General Dan Dimplechin. “We were shooting them at first but they weren’t going down, being dead and all. So we switched to non-explosive projectiles and now we’re basically trying to tear them apart and sever heads. It’s the only thing that seems to work.”
Austin officials have issued the following tips for safety during the zombie crisis:
- Stay indoors until the “all clear” notice is given.
- Barricade doors and windows as much as possible.
- Wrap your head in a towel soaked with vinegar to prevent the zombies from smelling your brains.
- Remember that some zombies are fast runners, despite what you see in the movies. The rule of thumb is “fast in life, fast in death.”
- Stay tuned for updated information and alerts. We will relay all future developments as they occur.
Good luck, Austin. And may God help us all.
Zombie Alerts
If you have seen zombies wandering the streets in your area, let us know by using the “Comments” feature below. We will relay the information to the on-scene commander. But do not, under any circumstances, go out on any kind of “zombie patrol.” Please use your best judgment and stay safe.
Topics: Austin News |
December 22nd, 2007 at 9:27 am
I THINK IT IS NOT REAL!!!!!!!
February 14th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Please note, Amber didn’t identify herself as among the living. Maybe she is living-challenged, which is just a PC way of covering her brain chomping ways. Per my editorial on the El Chupacabra issues in Texas, I think a fence is needed to keep Zombies out of the US-Mexico border. Texas may need to be south of said fence if the fore-mentioned zombie problem is not resolved.
February 21st, 2008 at 9:28 pm
i saw a zombie out my window i dont have any vinegar. dose pee work.
February 21st, 2008 at 9:31 pm
im more afrade of el chupacabra even though there bitting me rite now. I dont think im going to leave any more coment because i infected>.
March 1st, 2008 at 4:12 pm
-.- the guy with his shirt in the air is from dawn of the dead… ive see the movie almost a hundred times now. (as well as the girl behind him.) im not dead (btw). im living close enough to austin if a zombie epidemic hit, i would know for sure.
May 31st, 2008 at 2:07 pm
if u look at the pic u see a human belly a good tan then look at hands and head
May 31st, 2008 at 2:19 pm
You called it dude. It’s actually not a real zombie. I believe we have a professional detective in our midst.