Round Rock, TX — Williamson County officials announced today a new ordinance that bans the outdoor wear of certain types of spandex.
The new ban has local joggers and cyclists in an uproar, but county officials have asserted that the typical spandex outfits worn by most athletes would not be affected by the ban — only certain provocative types of spandex.
The legislative move came in response to pressure from a citizen’s committee on decency. Patty Winters, president of People Against Naughty and Titillating Sportswear, or PANTS, explained her group’s position:
“There are certain things we just don’t need to see in public. Most joggers and cyclists dress appropriately. But every once in a while you’ll get these showoffs who wear the scantiest spandex you’ve ever seen, getting all up in their nooks and crannies and whatnot. Nobody needs to see that, least of all our children.”
To help educate Williamson county residents on what — exactly — constitutes provocative spandex, county officials have allowed us to publish some helpful photos from their forthcoming educational brochure.
Authorized Spandex:
The spandex sportswear in the photograph above is considered non-provocative under the new standards, and is thus permitted for outdoor wear. Note that the stomach area is covered, and that the spandex extends two-thirds of the way from hip to knee. Also notice how the built-in padding within the bike shorts eliminates the outline of offensive anatomical shapes.
The photograph below, however, violates these criteria.
Unauthorized Spandex:
The spandex in the photograph above is considered inappropriate under the new legislation, and is therefore not permitted for outdoor use. Note that the woman’s midriff is exposed, and that the spandex shorts do not even reach the halfway point between hip and knee (the rule is two-thirds). The woman in this photograph would likely receive a citation.
Serious Violation:
The photograph above depicts a gross violation of the new ordinance, as the man’s entire torso is showing. This spandex would constitute a serious offense, punishable by a hefty fine and possible jail time.
The forthcoming brochure will also have some catchy phrases to help the public remember the new rules (in the spirit of such slogans as “Don’t Mess With Texas”). Here are a few of those slogans:
- If it’s too tight, it’s not right
- Nearly to the knee, or you might face a fee
- Your exhibition is our prohibition
- Nooks and crannies offend our grannies
Sound Off, Austin
People Against Naughty and Titillating Sportswear (PANTS) has an Austin chapter, so this issue may “creep” south. Thus it is a relevant topic for Austinites. Would you support a similar ban in Travis County, or do you think PANTS is overreacting? Do you think we should hold PANTS up or pull them down? Share your thoughts in the “Comments” box below.
September 15th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
What?!! For real? Hmmm. I never have been offended by someone in spandex myself but every once in a while I have been amused. Not sure this is worth the time and effort. Its not like Ive seen someone jogging by in a thong. Just my opinion.
November 27th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
You have go to be joking. Can the conservative religous most boring people possibly have anything else better to do? Get a life and pay attention to your own husbands and wives who most likely are the biggest sinners of all.
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:04 pm
Get real Texas , you have other more important things to worry about …( Illegal aliens ) .. Your almost as bad as Indiana , it’s against the law for having oral sex , even married couples …
February 3rd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
You guys are not helping any of the Deep South stereotypes.
What do you wear when you are swimming?
February 17th, 2008 at 8:34 am
Some people have too much time on their hands. Maybe if a person wants to go swimming he should wear his overalls. I am wearing spandex now because it is comfortable.
February 24th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
Yes( THE P.A.N.T.S) they are overreacting
Sounds like somebody pushing their beliefs down everybody elses throat.Those people really need to get a life. If a person wants to dress a certain way within reason fine. Yes spandex can be unsightly if worn by the wrong person, but it is their right to wear what they want.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I think this just shows you how too much conservative some folks are. I see nothing wrong with the woman jogger, The guy is a little unsightly but if he at least wore a shirt it would be better. I think most guys would feel uncomfortable wearing spandex if they looked the the guy above anyhow. I think the shorts most guys wear today are too long to begin with, they really are not even short, more like capris. Get a life, and here we were all being told communism was bad because the government was telling folks what they could and could not do…..The U.S.A. is more dictating than they ever could be. Relax, enjoy your life. Oh you know what it is, the folks who made the rule were jealous, that, either their hubbies or wives might get turned on by someone in shape.
Cheers
June 5th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Yeah seriously, people in the south should worry about more important stuff, other than peoples’ pants all of the time.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
What ever you do, … never go to a beach or pool. You might see something smaller made of spandex. Maybe you should hold the event in Alaska after December sometime.
August 29th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Of course it is a joke. In Texas a man or a woman can walk in public without a shirt. The only things that a man or woman can not show in public is their anus and their genitalia. All laws in Texas must apply equally to males and females according to the Texas Constitution.
November 1st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
The man: yep; ban him. I don’t want to see some guys belly-button pointing toward the ground.
The woman: leave her alone! And the end of a running race these sorts of sights are the only thing that keeps me going when I am so tired.
Seriously, great snark (PANTS).
November 2nd, 2008 at 7:07 am
Gads,
Taqlk about PROVINCIAL small minds ….
For sure they aren’t Episcopalians….
and I bet these same people condem Islamic Fundamentalists….
Could they be Mullahs in Mufti????
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:31 am
Can’t tell if this is a joke or not. There are wierder things. I would think, though, that they’d close the prostitution houses (AKA stripclubs) before banning what people wear while trying to get healthy. But that would make a kind of sense, eh? Can’t stop your hubbies from going in the backrooms of the SCs but you CAAAAN stop them from ogling a younger woman jogging by…
June 26th, 2009 at 8:55 am
The land of the free…gimme a break. What a violation of personal rights and freedoms. Americans should be outraged that actual legislation can be passed about such things!
August 12th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I’m pretty conservative, but there is nothng wrong with what the girl running has on, I hope this is a joke because if it’s not, it makes a joke out of Williamson County. With all that’s going on in this world, if this is what they do with their time and the public’s money, then they need new government officials…