New Study Reveals 21 Best Ways to Keep Austin Weird
By Editor | August 20, 2007
by Brandon Cornett
Austin, TX — A panel of researchers from the state’s Office of Municipal Weirdness announced today the results of a landmark study relating to Austin’s culture.
The team set out to identify the most effective ways a person can “Keep Austin Weird,” referring to the city’s unofficial slogan. Over a six-week period, they tested more than 650 individual acts of weirdness to determine which acts would be most effective in keeping Austin weird.
Using the Swedish “Bergen” scale of weirdness, developed in 1978 by Dr. Bergen Sven Bergenson (pictured), the researchers were able to compile the 21 best ways to keep Austin weird.
The Bergen scale takes into account more than two dozen criteria relating to municipal weirdness, and is known to be the most accurate measurement of its kind.
Here is the complete list, reprinted with permission:
21 Best Ways to Keep Austin Weird
1. Douse water onto your face to give the appearance of sweating, then run into the nearest convenience store and shout breathlessly: “Do you carry salty snacks?” When the clerk answers yes, shout “Thank you” and run out of the store again.
2. Start referring to yourself in the third person: “Brandon likes this article. Brandon likes it a lot.”
3. While walking, thrust your left arm into the air every time your right foot hits the ground. When people ask about it, act as if they’re the one walking strangely.
4. Stop bathing / showering and tell people you are cultivating an aura.
5. When meeting new people, shake their hand and then sniff their forearm. Smile approvingly and say, “Nice.”
6. Cut all your pants in half, lengthwise, and reattach them in random fashion (e.g. corduroys with camouflage, denim with dress slacks, etc.).
7. Call the radio station and request the song you lost your virginity to. When the DJ asks what song, say, “You know the one!”
8. Wave to people idling beside you at stoplights or in traffic. Then give a thumbs-up and say, “The rash is cleared up now!”
9. When passing people on the street at nighttime, tip your hat and say, “Top of the morning to you.” In the morning, use the phrase, “Nice night for a walk, eh?”
10. At the gym, approach a total stranger and ask if he / she can spot you on a quick set of “fanny bumpers.”
11. Only mow half of your lawn at a time. Put an “Under Construction” sign on the other half. If people inquire, tell them you are pacing yourself.
12. At restaurants, be sure to ask for a wine list. Then frown disapprovingly and ask why there is no Mad Dog on the list.
13. At church, shout “Hallelujah!” during moments of total silence. Then apologize and explain to those nearby that you’ve always been a late bloomer.
14. The next time you get pulled over, ask the police officer if he / she needs a hug. When the officer inevitable declines, say, “Well, somebody has intimacy issues.”
15. Buy a set of cymbals and practice playing them in public areas, as if you’re listening to an orchestra nobody else can hear.
16. At your next social engagement, show up without pants and ask if anyone is willing to share.
17. Write to your congressional representative and demand we close the Congress Avenue bridge so the bats can get a “good day’s sleep” for a change.
18. Slip notes to strangers on the street, with the brief message: “The target has been eliminated. Lie low for two weeks and then meet me at the usual spot.” Then wink at them and walk away quickly. Don’t look back no matter what they say.
19. Carry an empty cardboard box down a busy street and ask people if they’ve happened to see an Egyptian cobra in the area.
20. Stand at a busy intersection in Austin with a sign that says: “I will give you money for food.”
21. Send your best creative fiction, essays and the like to the Austin Probe! Submission info.
Sound Off, Austin
Do you have a special technique for keeping Austin weird that was not included on this list? If so, send it to the Probe so we can have it included in next year’s testing and ranking. Share your tips via the “Comments” box below.
Topics: Austin News |
August 23rd, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Of course I love #12 the best. I have had some experience with that and have slept half in and half out of the house a few times.
August 24th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
I have always been apprehensive about joining a gym. But now that I know “fanny bumpers” are acceptable, i will sign up.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Oh man, can you imagine doing numbers 3 or 18 down on 2nd street with all those stuffy rich californians?
Too funny!