As our national health care debate devolves into a geriatric shouting match about Nazis, we thought it was high time for a sanity break. So we asked Jade the Stripper, our senior political analyst, to talk about health care reform in layman’s terms.
We first met Jade in October of 2008, when Barack Obama and John McCain were making their final campaign push for presidency. We were surprised by Jade’s insight and pragmatism on social issues, so we asked her to be a regular contributor to the Probe.
Austin Probe: Why do you think health care reform has turned into such a firestorm of debate?
Jade: Cuz people are as dumb as they are selfish. Nobody wants to cough up a single penny to take care of a less-fortunate person who is sick.
AP: That’s the selfish part. Where does the dumb part come in?
Jade: People don’t realize that medical costs are bankrupting our country from the bottom up. It’s going to be the next big economic meltdown. But we have our heads in the sand. People are also dumb because they think [President] Obama is trying to turn this country into a communist state. I mean, seriously? I dropped out of school during the eighth grade, due to an unplanned pregnancy, but I’m smart enough to see how dumb that is!
AP: What do you think the best solution is to our health care problems?
Jade: That’s an easy one. First, we take away the health care that all them congress people have. We pay for it through our taxes, and that’s the biggest crock of s*@# in this whole mess … they don’t want to give health care to all Americans, but they are happy to have all Americans pay for their health care. What the f*#@ is that all about? So we take their health care plans away from them, and then they have to go out and get their own private coverage. Most of those geezers are as old as Jesus, so you know they got some serious health problems. The insurance companies would laugh at them.
AP: So it would be an eye-opener of sorts.
Jade: I ain’t finished yet!
AP: Sorry.
Jade: Don’t be stealing my thunder, pretty boy. Well, s#@* you ruined my story now. But yes, it would be an eye-opener for those old farts. They’d have to get their own coverage, which would be a joke, so they’d have more of an sentiment to fix health care.
AP: You mean an incentive?
Jade: What’d I say?
AP: You said sentiment.
Jade: Whatever. Look, do you see my point or not?
AP: I see your point.
Jade: Don’t sass me, pretty boy. I’m not afraid to cut you.
AP: Switching gears. Do you have your own health insurance?
Jade: Hell nah. The Juggy Club don’t pay for any of that. The only benefits I have are second-hand smoke and the fact that I can listen to music at work. I get sick, I just have to deal with it. I threw out my hip once, doing a spin-and-grind on the brass pole, and I just had to suck it up. That’s another thing that’s wrong with America. We’ve turned into a nation of p#@@*es. Nobody knows how to suck it up anymore. We go to the doctor for everything — a jammed finger, a headache, a case of the sniffles. That’s why health insurance is so damn expensive today. We use it for everything. Suck it up. That should be the new motto for health care reform. Suck it up America. Save your insurance for the serious s#@t. Don’t be such a whining, snot-nosed little baby. Live my life for a day and you’ll have something to cry about … [interview condensed for publishing]
We will check back in with Jade often as the debate continues.
