William Hartwell, a 54-year-old auto mechanic from North Austin, received the nipples and areola (colored area around the nipples) of a male chimpanzee that died of natural causes. The nipples of the two species — human and chimp — are said to be surprisingly similar from an anatomical perspective.

Image: Hartwell reads well-wishes from friends after his surgery

The surgery came as the result of a rare skin condition that caused tissue damage around Hartwell’s nipples. Plastic surgeons have been theorizing about the possibility of a nipple transplant between man and beast for some time, but this is the first actual surgery where those theories have been tested.

And so far so good, says William Hartwell:

“It took some getting used to,” said the now-famous patient during a phone interview. “They look a little different from my old nipples, but I notice it less each day. I’m just happy to have nipples again, even if they did come from a chimpanzee.”

Image: A chimpanzee similar to the one used for the transplant

Hartwell’s doctors are jubilant with the success of the surgery — with the groundbreaking nature of the surgery, as well as Hartwell’s speedy recovery thus far:

“Everything is going well,” said Doctor Suri Vayenvat. “The new nipples have settled in just as we had hoped, and [Hartwell’s] body has apparently accepted the new tissue. We are thrilled with the results.”

It is not clear whether or not the man will use body contouring surgery as a follow-up to the nipple replacement.

On a separate but similar note, researchers in Korea are developing a Lasik eye surgery technique that will incorporate the lenses of fish eyes to give Special Forces scuba divers better vision underwater.

1. The Rattlesnakes are Friendly

A survey by the North American Society for Herpetological Research found that the rattlesnakes in the greater Austin area are less likely to strike than rattlesnakes elsewhere in the country. The rattlesnakes in Austin have even been described as “laid back and easygoing. Of course, we are not recommending that you test this theory for yourself, because the stupidity of humans is often enough to overcome the

2. The Prostitutes are Unionized

Austin is one of only two cities in the United States (the other being Las Vegas) where the “ladies of the night” have their own union. The first union chapter was established in 1976, and today there are several chapters.

The prostitutes in Austin are not only taxpaying citizens, but also a powerful lobby group. They are a critical essential thread in the fiber of Austin, Texas.

3. The Bats are Bilingual

The Mexican free-tail bats that spend two-thirds of their lives beneath the Congress Avenue Bridge in downtown Austin speak two languages — bat and dolphin. It’s a phenomenon known as audio mimicry, wherein the bats can duplicate the exact sounds made by bottlenose dolphins. In one study, a bat inside a bell jar wired for sound guided a bottlenose dolphin through an underwater maze.

4. The Wildflowers are Smoke-able

Austin is known for its beautiful wildflowers that bloom in early spring, such as the famous bluebonnet and the colorful Indian blanket. What many people do not know is that nearly a third of Austin’s wildflower species can deliver a mild narcotic effect when smoked. Just don’t try to smoke the bluebonnets … they’re a protected species.

5. The Panhandlers are Creative

The panhandlers who hang out by Austin’s intersections are some of the most creative in the world. While panhandlers nationwide have taken to washing windows for spare change, only in Austin will you see panhandlers perform dental cleanings for idling motorists.

Austin panhandlers also recite works of Shakespeare on demand, and some have been seen offering financial and psychiatric advice for mere pocket change.

6. The Lakes are Prehistoric

Some of the lakes around Austin predate the continental breakup of Pangea 250 million years ago. There have been frequent sightings and other anecdotal evidence of “Lock Ness like” creatures within the lakes, thought to be the isolated descendants of the Plesiosaur or a similar species of marine dinosaur.

7. The Police are Magical

In an effort to strengthen the bond between police and the local community, Austin officials have created a “Magic Cop” program that trains police officers to perform magic tricks. Sure, you might still get a citation for littering or parking illegally, but you may also get to witness the handcuff escape maneuver or the always-popular “Levitating Ticketbook.”

Sound Off Austin

What do you like about Austin? What did we forget to include on our list? Share your favorite things about Austin with other readers by using the “Comments” tool below.

If you are not familiar with a “cougar” in the urban slang sense of the word, it could be defined as a woman on the prowl for a younger man. Perhaps you saw the recent release of Cougar Club, a comedy about younger men devoted to older women. Or maybe you’ve encountered a slang definition of “cougar” on a news website like MSN.

But now there is a new development in the world of cougars, and it’s a product designed to help men attract them in the “wild.”

Cougar Scent for Men is a new cologne that, according to the manufacturer, has been scientifically designed to help younger men attract older women — particularly those women who are on the proactive “prowl” for younger men.

According to Marlon Williams, a senior product developer with ScentMark Industries, Cougar Scent was created over a four-year period with extensive testing at each stage of development.

“The hardest part,” said Williams, “was getting volunteers. We needed certain types of women to help us with product testing … women who were on the lookout for younger men specifically. Cougars, if you will. But we found out that a lot of women who fit that description don’t want to admit to it. So the entire first year was spent rounding up volunteers.”

After Williams and team had recruited enough volunteers, the testing began. From start to finish, the trials consisted of 73 rounds of scent testing with dozens of variations of the cologne.

“Some of the controls tested well initially, but did not last long,” Williams explained. “For example, I recall that batch 47 appealed to 93% of the women upon first whiff, but they lost interest in the scent after a few minutes. We needed something that would attract them right away and hold their interest as well. It took a lot of trial and error, but we finally got it.”

For obvious reasons, Williams would not disclose the full ingredients found within Cougar Scent for Men, but he did say they are environmentally safe and FDA-approved. He also hinted at a few of the ingredients:

“Believe it or not, allspice tested extremely well, so there’s a little of that in there. We also use a liquid extract from the stamen of carnations and a few other flowers.”

Slogan Contest

ScentMark Industries has announced a slogan contest for Cougar Scent for Men. The winning slogan will be featured in a series of television commercials beginning April 2007. If you would like to suggest a slogan, please use the “Comments” box below. Be sure to include your name so ScentMark Industries can tie the slogan back to you.

Current slogans in the running include:

• Cougar Scent for Men … Bringing the Prowl to Your Doorstep
• Cougar Scent for Men … Because Older is Almost Always Better

We have all felt the effects of the writers’ strike in Hollywood. Some of our favorite shows are stuck in reruns and behind schedule as a result of the strike, and some of us are desperately seeking alternate forms of entertainment such as reading.

But for a small group of Austin teens, the lack of TV viewing options has fueled a level of boredom that, in turn, has driven the teens to commit acts of criminal mischief. “Street wrestling,” as the teens refer to it, involves walking up to strangers in the street and wrestling them to the ground, often while wearing masks to hide their identities.

Much like the movie Fight Club, in which Ed Norton and Brad Pitt had certain rules for their barbaric entertainment, the Austin teens have created their own set of rules for street wrestling. We spoke with one teenage boy who, on the condition of anonymity, shared the following rules of street wrestling. We will refer to him as Tom, which is not the teen’s real name.

“First off, we don’t wrestle chicks … only dudes,” said Tom. “Cause you know, wrestling girls is for like wimps and s*#t. So that’s rule number one. No chicks. Only dudes. The second rule is something to do with old people … oh yeah, we don’t wrestle old people. Just dudes in like their 30’s and 40’s and stuff. You know, like our parents’ age. Rule number three is that you have to wrestle your target to the ground before people come to break it up, or else you’ll get hassled by the other guys in the club, like forever.”

Image: Tom, our anonymous interviewee, at home in Austin

The teenage boys said they do realize it’s against the law to wrestle complete strangers in public. But they said the thrill of the “pin” outweighs the risk of getting caught.

“I feel bad about it sometimes,” said Tom. “Like this one time I had a guy in a headlock. He was like a banker or something … I don’t know, he had on a suit. And for a minute I thought maybe I shouldn’t be doing this. But then I remembered that everything is in frickin’ reruns because of those lazy writers, so I pinned this guy to the ground and ran off cheering with my buds.”

Several schools in the area have scheduled emergency PTA meetings to discuss the growing problem of street wrestling, and some have invited the local police to seek their advice on the matter.

Thankfully, to date there have been no serious injuries reported as the direct result of street wrestling. At least, not yet.

When John Spencer came to work on New Year’s Day, he had a bad feeling in the pit of stomach. Upon arriving to work at the Shop Rite department store in North Austin, the 32-year-old assistant manager noticed a large group of senior citizens jostling for position outside the store’s locked doors.

Two weeks earlier, the department store (whose product line caters to senior citizens) began promoting a New Year’s Day “Extravaganza” sale on all merchandise. Prices were slashed, promotional flyers were mailed out, and the wheels of an unpredictable tragedy were set into motion.

The premise of the sale was simple enough. The first 100 shoppers to enter the store as it opened on New Year’s Day morning would receive a $100 gift certificate. Hence, the promotion was dubbed the “100 x 100 Sale.”

But store owners underestimated the frenzy that such a promotion would create. According to assistant manager John Spencer:

“We thought it would get some folks out of bed a little earlier than usual, but that’s about it. Our customer base is mostly elderly, so we thought they would behave with some degree of restraint. But when I came in Tuesday morning and saw them congregating by the front entrance, I could tell they were getting antsy. I just had a bad feeling about it. We even talked about canceling the sale, but we thought that might make things worse … a riot or something.”

So Spencer’s boss, store manager Brian Boswell, reluctantly opened the doors at 7:59 a.m. The first injury occurred moments later, but it was only the beginning of what would become the store’s darkest day — and the worst pileup of senior citizens since 1988, when a Sunny Day Cafeteria held a similar promotion inside a Wisconsin shopping mall.

When Spencer and Boswell unlocked the two sets of glass door at the store’s front entrance, the crowd of seniors surged forward with surprising force.

“When you get that much humanity together in one spot,” said Boswell, “it really doesn’t matter how old they are. They pushed forward and it was all we could do to dive out of the way.”

Though a dozen or so patrons made it through the entrance and into the store, the majority of the senior citizens created a logjam in the space between the two sets of doors. And whatever civility the patrons had brought with them that morning soon went out the window. There were angry shouts of profanity, pushing and shoving, and even a fisticuff or two.

Image: Edith Wallburton, who was trapped in the “Granny Funnel” for over an hour, said the incident will weigh heavy on her for a long time.

“It was like hell on earth,” said assistant manager Spencer. “Worst of all, there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to climb into the foyer to break apart the crowd, but that only made things worse. They thought we were trying to close the doors and shut down the sale, so they went crazy. I saw grannies doing things you’d expect to see in one of those ultimate fighting championships. It was horrible, just god-awful and horrible.”

Police and rescue personnel arrived on the scene at around 8:24, but it took them nearly an hour to dislodge the “granny funnel,” as the police referred to it. Firefighters had to use the Jaws-of-Life (a hydraulic-powered cutting tool) to remove sections of door frame.

Image: One of the 13 senior citizens transported to the ER

All told, thirteen senior citizens were injured badly enough to warrant a trip to the emergency room. Dozens more had minor bumps and bruises. Assault charges were filed on two elderly women, who witnesses saw gouging eyes and pulling hair.

As for next year’s promotion, store manager Brian Boswell said he has different plans:

“It’s too far off to be specific at this point. But I can tell you that it won’t involve such a narrow time frame next time … or a narrow doorway, for that matter.”

Editor’s Note: Without even trying, we seem to be on a streak of unusual marriage stories. Earlier this week, we brought you news about an Austin woman who married a Nigerian prince, as the result of what she thought was a spam email. Now we bring you the story of an Austin man who married his TV to spite his wife. It must be something in the Austin air. Let the bells ring!

In his wildest dreams, Mickey Hatton never imagined he would be standing in front of an altar in a tiny church in Las Vegas, about to be joined in holy matrimony to a 42-inch plasma television set — by an Elvis impersonator, no less.

But that’s exactly where Hatton found himself earlier this month, after an argument that led to a joke that led to a trip to Vegas with television in tow.

Hatton tells the story better:

“I started as a joke, really,” Hatton explained. “I was angry, she was angry … and eventually it was like a game of chicken. We both wanted to see who would take it the farthest, who would change course at the last minute.”

The game of chicken Hatton referred to was the idea that he should marry his plasma television set. According to Hatton, and his now-second-spouse Katie, the couple often had heated arguments over the amount of time Hatton spent in front of the TV, watching sports, police-chase programs, and extreme fighting events.

Hatton explained:

“She would always say, ‘You love that TV so much, the two of you ought to get married.’ So I took her up on it. I says to her, ‘Well maybe we will get married.’ And she’s all like, ‘Yeah, well I don’t think you have the guts.’ And I’m like, ‘Just you wait and see lady!’ And one thing led to another, and now I’m married to my TV. We’ve been pretty happy together so far. But I’m not how the laws work in this area, having two spouses and what not. And the TV couldn’t sign the wedding license, so maybe it’s not even legit. I don’t know, but I’m sticking to it for now.”

As an exclusive to the Austin Probe, Hatton was kind enough to share his wedding vows from the Las Vegas event, and to allow us to republish them for your enjoyment.

Hatton’s vows to his plasma TV:

Dear TV. I remember the day you came into my life, how you filled the wall with your sleek black goodness. How you glowed to life the first time I plugged you in. We have shared so much together … the good times (like when the Longhorns won the championship) and the not-so-good times (like when Marie Osmond made it to the finals on Dancing with the Stars). But through it all, you gave me unsurpassed picture quality, day in and day out. And you never asked for anything in return, aside from a constant supply of 120-volt power. For these reasons and so many more, my plasma TV, I want you to be mine forever.

Equally touching were the TV’s vows back to Hatton:

Thanks for tuning in to News 3 Las Vegas. I’m Shelly Wyatt. John Terry has the evening off. Las Vegas police set up a perimeter around a man’s house today, after they received word that the man was brandishing a firearm. We’ll get to that story in a moment. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Roger Bixby…

P.S. — The Austin Probe did some checking with the Nevada State Board of Marriage Licensing, and it turns out that the marriage cannot be valid since the plasma TV was unable to sign any documents or voice any “verbal affirmations of commitment” … and because it’s a TV.

But don’t tell that to Mickey Hatton. As far as he’s concerned, he and the TV are newlyweds, enjoying their honeymoon in high-definition with surround sound.

Harriet Tubbs is certainly not new to the Internet. The marathon runner and divorced mother of two has been an active Internet user for more than five years, shopping online, participating in web forums, and even publishing her own blog about marathon training.

So when Harriet received an unsolicited email from somebody claiming to be a Nigerian prince in need of financial help, she was immediately suspicious.

“I get those emails all the time,” said Harriet. “Some shady character will email me and ask for help moving funds around or whatever. I know that it’s usually fraud and what not, but something about this email compelled me to respond.”

Here is an excerpt from the email Harriet Tubbs received on September of this year:

Dearest Friend:

My name is Moses Odukai, and I am a Nigerian prince currently residing in Abuja, the capital city of Nigeria. I am writing to seek your assistance in a very urgent matter. Government opposition forces have gathered against us, and we need your help to combat them. These forces that oppose us are also anti-American, so they are a common enemy! We have set up a Nigerian defense fund, which you can conveniently donate money to online by visiting the following web address…

Most readers of the Austin Probe will no doubt recognize this message as a common form of spam. Often, these spam emails come from “gentlemen” claiming to be in Russia, Nigeria, Liberia and elsewhere around the world. In fact, there is even a library of fraud emails online, intended to educate Internet users about such scams.

But something about this particular email evoked a response from Harriet Tubbs.

“I can’t say exactly what it was,” Harriet explained. “Just this feeling, you know. Like there was an actual person on the other end of this one … somebody who needed help. So I wrote back and asked for more information.”

What followed was a sequence of emails exchanges and transoceanic visits that could not have been better written by a Hollywood producer. As it turns out, this particular email was sent from a legitimate Nigerian prince with a legitimate defense fund. Harriet began conversing with Prince Odukai by email, and then by phone, and eventually in person. The prince eventually paid for Harriet to fly to Nigeria so the two could meet.

“Most of my friends told me I was crazy,” Harriet said. “They thought I was going to be kidnapped or worse, and that they’d never see me again. But I had this warm feeling about Prince Odukai, and I knew I had to meet him in person.”

Flash forward to the present, and Harriet Tubbs is now living in Abuja, the capital city of Nigeria. She stays at the royal palace with her prince, and she considers each new day as another chapter in her fairy tale.

Image: Harriet Tubbs of Austin, Texas with Prince Obukai of Nigeria

“We are so happy we found each other,” she said. “It was a one in a million chance that we started talking to one another, and I’m thankful for it always!”

As for Prince Odukai, he was shocked to find out that his email replicated the very tactics used by Internet scam artists. His was an honest plea for help that unfortunately (and coincidentally) looked exactly like the spam emails we all know so well.

“I was horribly embarrassed,” Prince Odukai told us in a phone interview, speaking from Nigeria. “I could not believe that certain nefarious individuals would send such communiqués for the purposes of fraud. It wasn’t until my sweet Harriet explained it to me that I had even heard of such a thing. But something good came out of my email campaign … something very, very good. So I am thankful for it.”

For nearly five months, “Bolton 106 FM” has been a dream come true for die-hard Michael Bolton fans. The venue played Bolton songs around the clock, breaking only for advertisements and tidbits of Michael Bolton trivia. (Did you know he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?)

The all-Bolton radio station was the brainchild of Austin entrepreneur Bolton Michaels. Michaels first heard of Michael Bolton five years ago, when somebody pointed out that his name was basically “Michael Bolton” in reverse. Before that, Michaels had never heard of the singer.

“It was the greatest day of my life,” he explained. “I checked the guy out because people were always making jokes about my name, and I fell in love at first listen. Not love love, mind you … just artistic love. I started planning the radio station the following year.”

At first, Bolton Michaels’ 24-hour Michael Bolton station idea got people interested. Early funding came from various fan groups, and even a few Austin financiers pitched in.

“Everything was going great for the first couple of months,” said Michaels. “MB has done quite a few songs of his own, and a ton of covers. So we had enough material to run a daily loop with very little repetition. All of the Boltonites in Austin went crazy for it.”

But in time, as it seems, the repetition grew tiresome to even the most die-hard Michael Bolton fan. Listeners began to drop away, and the advertisers soon followed suit. Without advertiser revenue, the monthly stipend from the fan clubs was not enough to keep Bolton 106 FM on the air.

Down but not beaten, Bolton Michaels already has his next venture lined up.

“Right now I’m planning a David Hasselhoff discussion group for public access TV here in Austin. It will be like any other talk show, except all-Hasselhoff … all the time.”

Related story about David Hasselhoff.

Sound Off, Austin

Were you a loyal listener of Bolton 106 FM? Do you have a message of thanks for Bolton Michaels? Let us know and we will share your words. Just drop your message in the “Comments” box below.

Anyone who owns a television has probably heard the gum advertisements citing how “Four out of five dentists recommend [product] to their patients…” Over the years, in fact, many commercials and news releases have begun with the phrase four out of five dentists, or something similar to it.

But for many years the question has been: Where did the fifth dentist go? Why was he or she always been absent from the polling?

The answer may have been found yesterday in a stretch of woods in Austin, Texas. A jogger out for some Thanksgiving exercise noticed a patch of dirt that resembled a grave. He approached the area out of curiosity, and that’s when he noticed the rotted remains of a boot sticking out of the ground.

“It was almost completely buried,” said the witness, who asked to remain anonymous. “I’m guessing nobody would have ever noticed the skeleton. But it looked like an animal had gotten into it and uncovered the guy’s foot enough for me to see it.”

The skeleton of note is believed to be that of J. Edgar Riley, who authorities claim is the mysterious “fifth dentist” absent from industry polls for many years.

Image: Remains of fifth dentist found in Austin grave. Police file photo.

“You always heard about four out of five dentists,” said Detective James Hackleby. “Four out of five dentists say this … four out of five dentists say that. We always wondered, where is the fifth dentist, and why is he never included in these dental polls? I’ve had my suspicion of foul play for a long time, but I’ve kept quiet about it. And now this.”

Though details of the case are still being kept quiet, local police say they have not ruled out homicide.

“It stinks to high Heaven of some kind of dental jealousy,” said Hackelby. “We are questioning the other four dentists to see if they have any information. We’re keeping everything on the table at this point, and that’s about all I can say.”

When you think of turkey hunting, you would normally think of man as the hunter and the turkey as the prey. But an unusual turn of events reversed that relationship Wednesday, when more than 100 turkeys got loose and began angrily pursuing schoolchildren at an Austin elementary school.

The incident took place at Ravenwood Elementary in north Austin yesterday. An all-day fundraiser was taking place in the school’s parking lot, where parents could drop of canned goods for families in need as they dropped off and picked up their children.

To promote the fundraiser, and to increase participation, the school hired a local turkey farmer to bring in a truckload of more than 100 turkeys. With the farmer’s assistance, school maintenance personnel constructed a turkey pen fashioned out of chicken wire and steel poles anchored by cinderblocks.

All went well until around noon, when a large male turkey rammed into one of the corner poles and sent it toppling over backward, taking the containment fence down with it. In the span of 60 seconds, more than a dozen turkeys had escaped the pen, with more following in their tracks.

Image: Turkeys gather near school entrance as police set up a perimeter

The bewildered farmer rushed to repair the fence, but in doing so inadvertently pulled down another pole. With an entire section of fence missing, the remaining 70 or so turkeys poured out of the pen, driven by fear and confusion.

“I knew what it meant, and I can tell ya it scared the bejeezus out of me,” said Ted Lyons, the turkey farmer. “One or two turkeys ain’t nothing to worry about. But you get a large group of turkeys together, they tend to get very territorial … and dangerous.”

The scene quickly became pandemonium as gangs of turkeys chased terrified schoolchildren around the parking lot. School officials shouted for the children to protect their eyes from being pecked, as they struggled to usher the children inside the building while keeping the turkeys out.

Austin police arrived on the scene minutes later, after receiving frantic phone calls from worried parents. The police quickly set up a perimeter and established communications with school officials who had barricaded themselves inside to protect the children.

After a tense standoff that lasted for nearly two hours, the police caught a lucky break. One child’s father had arrived with some canned goods, not having heard the news about the turkey terror. An avid turkey hunter, the man had a turkey-calling device in his truck. After a few attempts, he was able to lure the dominant male turkeys into a newly constructed containment area, and the rest of the confused flock followed along.

Amazingly, no children were harmed during the turkey terror, though quite a few had been pecked at by the turkeys and most were frightened.