Austin Man Marries Plasma TV to Spite His Wife
By Editor | December 15, 2007
Austin, TX - 12/15/07 — An Austin man elopes to Las Vegas and marries his plasma television set to spite his wife who frequently told him he should marry the TV.
Editor’s Note: Without even trying, we seem to be on a streak of unusual marriage stories. Earlier this week, we brought you news about an Austin woman who married a Nigerian prince, as the result of what she thought was a spam email. Now we bring you the story of an Austin man who married his TV to spite his wife. It must be something in the Austin air. Let the bells ring!
In his wildest dreams, Mickey Hatton never imagined he would be standing in front of an altar in a tiny church in Las Vegas, about to be joined in holy matrimony to a 42-inch plasma television set — by an Elvis impersonator, no less.
But that’s exactly where Hatton found himself earlier this month, after an argument that led to a joke that led to a trip to Vegas with television in tow.
Hatton tells the story better:
“I started as a joke, really,” Hatton explained. “I was angry, she was angry … and eventually it was like a game of chicken. We both wanted to see who would take it the farthest, who would change course at the last minute.”
The game of chicken Hatton referred to was the idea that he should marry his plasma television set. According to Hatton, and his now-second-spouse Katie, the couple often had heated arguments over the amount of time Hatton spent in front of the TV, watching sports, police-chase programs, and extreme fighting events.
Hatton explained:
“She would always say, ‘You love that TV so much, the two of you ought to get married.’ So I took her up on it. I says to her, ‘Well maybe we will get married.’ And she’s all like, ‘Yeah, well I don’t think you have the guts.’ And I’m like, ‘Just you wait and see lady!’ And one thing led to another, and now I’m married to my TV. We’ve been pretty happy together so far. But I’m not how the laws work in this area, having two spouses and what not. And the TV couldn’t sign the wedding license, so maybe it’s not even legit. I don’t know, but I’m sticking to it for now.”
As an exclusive to the Austin Probe, Hatton was kind enough to share his wedding vows from the Las Vegas event, and to allow us to republish them for your enjoyment.
Hatton’s vows to his plasma TV:
Dear TV. I remember the day you came into my life, how you filled the wall with your sleek black goodness. How you glowed to life the first time I plugged you in. We have shared so much together … the good times (like when the Longhorns won the championship) and the not-so-good times (like when Marie Osmond made it to the finals on Dancing with the Stars). But through it all, you gave me unsurpassed picture quality, day in and day out. And you never asked for anything in return, aside from a constant supply of 120-volt power. For these reasons and so many more, my plasma TV, I want you to be mine forever.
Equally touching were the TV’s vows back to Hatton:
Thanks for tuning in to News 3 Las Vegas. I’m Shelly Wyatt. John Terry has the evening off. Las Vegas police set up a perimeter around a man’s house today, after they received word that the man was brandishing a firearm. We’ll get to that story in a moment. But first, let’s take a look at the weather with Roger Bixby…
P.S. — The Austin Probe did some checking with the Nevada State Board of Marriage Licensing, and it turns out that the marriage cannot be valid since the plasma TV was unable to sign any documents or voice any “verbal affirmations of commitment” … and because it’s a TV.
But don’t tell that to Mickey Hatton. As far as he’s concerned, he and the TV are newlyweds, enjoying their honeymoon in high-definition with surround sound.
Topics: Austin News |
December 28th, 2007 at 12:03 am
I LOVE THE VOWS. THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN WHO SHOULD MARRY THEIR TVS, WEIGHT ROOMS, CARS, ETC.
February 14th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
OK, this story can’t be real right? I mean, how do we know that the TV is really a woman and therefore makes for a valid marriage by US Law? Frankly, I feel this violates the sanctity of marriage. As I feel threatened, it is my duty to strip away the rights of others. My marriage could be harmed and….and…and…and I must admit, my 50″ plasma has been so amazingly good to me… so… so much more depth and clarity than my last love and her unholy non-HD ways….
So on a closing note, I just know a cheap 60-inch plasma will someday enter into Mr. Hatton’s shallow, sorry life. That poor 42″ will be swapped out like a 4th wife (no particular religious poke here) I give this marriage about 60,000 hours before it fades out.